What Will People Say?

What Will People Say?

The art of minding your own business.

KEY POINTS

• While homogeneity of thought can bond first-generation Asians to their community, it can be a source of conflict for their U.S.-born children.
• It’s important for first-generation parents to remember that adult children can make unconventional choices while still upholding their values.
• To support the next generation, parents can start by asking genuine questions to understand the value of their children’s ideas.

It’s true that ours is a collectivist community. We thrive on partnerships, togetherness, and family support, and rely on our community to stand by us. A lot of our life decisions, therefore, remain greatly influenced by the concern, “What will people say?”

According to a 2020 John Hopkins University study, Indian Americans, especially the first generation, “tend to socialize more with other Indian Americans.” This data suggests homogeneity of thoughts, ideas, norms, and expectations.

Within the scope of my private practice, I’ve observed religious and cultural practices, professional choice, marriage, dating, sexual identity, and gender-specific roles to be the top few areas of homogeneity of thought.

Interestingly, homogeneity can play contrasting roles in the lives of first-generation Asians and their U.S.-born children. While it is a bonding element for the Desi parents with their community, this homogeneity can be a source of frustration, conflict, disconnect, and a catalyst for “rebellion” for the second generation because of the constant concern around “What will people say?”

Add on to this the fact that with the inclusiveness of community into personal lives through the casual assignment of roles (chacha/chachi, mesho/maashi, aunty/uncle), the line between opinion seeking and giving is significantly blurred. Unconventional choices by a second-generation member become a topic of urgent conferences, unsolicited advice, and judgment.

It is a well-known fact that at the heart of the Desi upbringing are virtues of respect, tolerance, and obedience. Unfortunately, obedience is increasingly tied to denying the freedom of making choices simply because they are not in line with the accepted norms. These choices are then, impulsively labeled as flaws of character.

No wonder we still know of women silently suffering in unhappy marriages, men who can’t cry out their burdens, girls not speaking up against sexual violations, youngsters who are afraid to come out with their sexual orientations, or that promising chef who is struggling through engineering school—and the list is not exhaustive.

I’ve come across many second-generation youngsters who struggle to find the connection they have lost with their families because they chose to marry outside of religion/caste, denied wanting to be a medical professional, or even decided to focus on breaking stereotypes with their partners. Our children do not have to suffer from detachment; they do not have to live in fear of being judged by their own community, or of being called out because they decided to lead by unusual examples. They seek harmony and attachment and struggle to get that because making their own choice is interpreted as disobedience. Freedom of making healthy choices, no matter how unusual they are, and acceptance and respect for what they bring to the table are all that they seek.

So, my dear Desi counterparts, here are my two cents:

1. Replace judgment with curiosity. Allow for ideas to come and voices to be heard. Ask genuinely curious questions to understand the value of their ideas.
2. Give them credit. Give credit to their experience of being raised in the U.S. while upholding their Desi-ness in their own way. Let’s back that up with research: Data suggests that second-generation Indians have a “heightened level of awareness” of racial microaggressions towards them compared to first-generation Americans. This generation works twice as hard to achieve their goals and infinitely harder within their own community to be accepted for their choices.
3. They won’t forget their roots. Have a clear distinction between values and life choices. Choosing to be a music teacher will not go against any values that being a medical professional will uphold. Your child can be a member of the LGBTQ community and still will care for you, respect you, love you, and uphold their inherited virtues.
4. Is this your goal? Ask yourself about what you’re so adamant that your child choose. Is that your goal or your child’s goal? What do you think will foster a stronger bond between you and your child? What can you do to give a safe space for your child to share radical ideas?
5. As a member of the community in whom your friends have placed their trust, use the homogeneity of ideas to support and foster healthy relationships. Give opinions when asked, be the younger generations’ cheerleader, and support unharmful and healthy choices even if they seem atypical.
6. Check on families who are struggling with their “rebellious child” and normalize their experiences, create a no-judgment zone, be validating, give well-meaning guidance, and reiterate your support for the family.

Allow your wisdom to be a source of shelter and a reinforcer for the next generation and their choices. Champion their ideas and pave way for them to take the lead.

References
Badrinathan, S., Kapur, D., Kay, J., and Vaishnav, M. (2020). Social Realities of Indian Americans: Results From the 2020 Indian American Attitudes Survey.