“You Look Healthy!”
By: Omarpreet Kaur, M.A., LMFT
Categories:
“You Look Healthy!”
What we tell our daughters about their bodies matters.
KEY POINTS
- Teenagers, especially girls, hear a lot of comments from friends and family about their body size and shape.
- Adults need to remember that their words can have a profound effect on a young person’s body image.
- Reflecting on their relationship with food and their body can help people craft healthier messages for their teen.
Mira is a cheerful pre-teen who usually enjoys being around friends and family. She looks forward to dinnertimes with family, shopping sprees with her mom, Malvi, and playdates, which are slowly turning into goofy chatty sessions with her close friends. What has been bugging her recently, though, are the not-so-subtle comments about her looks, her growing body, and her body shape that she has been hearing from her family and close family friends.
This last shopping date with her mom was not the usual fun that she thought it would be. Somehow, trying on that blouse that she truly loved seemed to have gotten an unusual off-handed response from her mom: “Looks like you’re growing thicker around the waist—you need something loose to wear to cover that.” And that recent visit from mom’s best friend, Neelam Aunty, got a “Mira, you’ve gotten healthier. Haven’t you been playing any sports, or is it too much junk food…?” followed by a chuckle. Also, it didn’t help that the health coach on her Insta profile had such a flat belly… Heck, she hardly had a belly!
It was hard to tell what she felt. Something was not right. Maybe she felt… miffed? But she wasn’t sure who she was annoyed at… the people around her or herself. Somehow, every bite that she took of her favorite dessert was marked by a sense of guilt now, and the noise of voices—her mom’s, Neelam Aunty’s, the Instagram health coach’s, the countless images on the screen… every single one of them somehow glorified thin!
She takes a closer look at her midriff. It wasn’t as flattering as Neelam Aunty’s leggy daughter’s, for sure. “Am I ugly?” For the first time, Mira had started to hunt for and sadly create a definition of “beautiful” in her mind. Choosing outfits was more of a stress than a joy; sprinting into a run had become less of a spontaneous tag match with her friends and more of a calorie-burning exercise; she was starting to turn down desserts and carbs; her phone algorithm had started showing fat-burning reels; her choices became questionable to her; dinners were no longer exciting times for her, and she was starting to avoid clothes shopping with her mom more and more.
She had a mission now. The next time she wore a new blouse, her mom was going to give her an admiringly approving look; Neelam Aunty’s remark of “You’re looking healthier” would change into “Mira, you’ve lost so much weight! Malvi, your daughter looks beautiful.”
Mira was no longer Malvi’s affectionate, fun-loving daughter. She seemed to be irritable, avoidant, and rebelling. Malvi blamed it on the hormones and brushed it off.
While you read this, are you reminded of any girl child that you know, or maybe yourself as a growing teenager who may have heard some or all of this and then some more? In this age of building awareness about good choices, health, and wellness, we still forget to identify the power of our words as grown-ups, members of a community, and a generation that needs to be a tower of support for the younger generation. So here are some do’s and don’ts to follow to empower your girl-child and to help her grow into a confident woman—no matter what her body size is.
1. Redefine food culture.
“Do not leave food on the plate.” It is good practice to consider not teaching your child to use their stomach as a dumping ground for food. Allow your child to build hunger and fullness cues and honor them. Do not force your child to “finish the food on the plate” if your child tells you he/she is full.
2. The “eat more, be thin” paradox:
Desi families are well-known to insist that you eat more, sometimes force-feed you, while aunties and uncles openly comment on the thinness or fatness of your body and eye-measure your body size to speculate your success at finding a good Desi husband. This is a classic example of a “double bind,” a phenomenon that punishes you for engaging (eating) and for not engaging (not eating) in a specific act. A double bind is one of the leading cultural causes behind eating disorders and disordered eating patterns in South Asian women.
3. Fight against “fatism.”
Educate yourself on mental wellness and physical health. Reflect on your perspective on “fat” and “thin,” self-interrogate your perspective on acceptable body sizes, and identify why body size matters to you.
4. Listen to their body image concerns.
Pay attention to how your child speaks about her body and herself. Soothe fears and promote self-confidence through persistent reality-based positive feedback.
5. Reflect on your relationship with food and body.
Have an internal self-dialogue with your relationship with your body, your favorite foods, and your relationship with food. Identify your narrative around food culture and explore what you would want to change about it.
6. Be a positive body image role model.
Identify and accept that there are various body sizes that exist in the world, develop healthy choices of food and physical activity, avoid talking about diets, do not label foods as “good” or “bad,” promote eating for “fun” and “joy,” and speak out against negative body messages on social media.